Not even sure where the time has gone, but it most definitely feels like an entire years’ worth of life has happened. This blog has been the rose at every “rose and thorn” question I was asked this year. Both on my 30th birthday and welcoming 2022. Even though I stepped away, I spend time planning and thinking about what to share and knowing full well this will be on going relationship even when it is inconsistent.
My first inclination is to share all the hardships from this past year and reflect on the (many) speed bumps. Granted you can read about most of them here, I’m hesitant. That feels too heavy to carry right now. Today-and hopefully continually into 2022, I want to allow myself as much freedom and weightlessness as possible. What I mean to say, is that for most of 2021 I was faced with the harsh realities of things I could no longer avoid or displace from my every day thinking. It was messy and beautiful but it was also necessary and empowering. I turned 30 after sitting face to face with the darkest parts of my fear and began to acknowledge how these fears can manifest depression and other anxieties. I felt like for the first time, I really understood me. With this shift in thinking I immediately noticed an alleviation of negative self-talk. Trust me when I tell you, no one has said harsher things to me, about me, then I have.
I think personal forgiveness is an ongoing journey, but in general there is a self-directed softness and understanding that feels more present than ever before within me. I’m not one for resolutions, but this year all I hope for is a deeper and strengthened connection to my trust in self, and a prioritized relationship with my intuition. I have the tools to do exactly what is right for me, and for so long I doubted that. Minimized my assurance in things because of thinking and criticisms for being “too emotional” or “too sensitive”. I spend a lot of time with my inner dialogue, and I just want us to be nicer to each other. We have a lot of love and kindness to spread to others, and I want to give myself the same acceptance and freedom to just be authentically me.
Life is too valuable and unpredictable to waste away over the what if’s or what could have been’s. My life looks nothing like how I thought it would, and I wish I could get back the hours of my life I spent hoping for something that just could never be. Wondering how things would have looked if I were dealt a different hand of cards, or replaying pivotal times in my life obsessing over how I got to where I am now, knowing sure well the decisions I would have made differently if given the opportunity to do so. These are the things that are heavy. These are things that I do not want to carry into the new year.
So for now, we will roll with the punches, take each day as they come, and put gratitude and kindness at the forefront. I have such an amazing team of souls surrounding me, you all make me feel so invincible and loved. Truthfully the commitment to myself, the freedom to live authentically is all because you’ve reminded that I am worthy. That even when it feels as though all hope is lost-there is and always be something worth fighting for and worth believing in. A dawn after the darkness.