Well, as the title states, this is a hello from the other side. I’ve wanted to write a check in of sorts for a while, but the reality is that I’ve felt unwillingness to do so without “good news” to share. There is a lot that has been better-and that is definitely something. I mean-I have my teeth in still, so thats great. In terms of the teeth and the jaw things have been sailing smoothly since my last appointment.
It is a strange time to be faced with adversity, while the whole population is currently still sorting through a crisis on a global scale. I knew so much of my heighten anxiety and depression was very much connected to my OI related triggers, but I had myself convinced that once everything was repaired-I’d find myself in this cushion of safety and happiness. What I forgot while I was in my depression hole, was that outside of all of that mess-was a even bigger mess I wasn’t really connecting with.
This month of April has been so wishy washy. I’ve retuned to work, and the simplicity of that has been so enjoyable for me. I throughly enjoy my barista job, and there are so many lovely people that it has connected me to. Everyday I walk to work, and since I’ve started walking I’ve felt my physical stamina return. It feels like a nice way to prioritize time for my body and mind, before and after a shift. The other side of this month has held a lot of Covid fatigue. I almost could say that my headspace from all the OI complications, sailed me off to a completely different island of mental health issues where I feel as though I vacationed away from Covid. I was isolating, for completely different reasons, and my fear of the world made it easy to stay inside and remain disconnected.
I’m ready to get back on my feet and grow. I feel so eager to be the version of myself I love and am proud of. Yet, here we are, still so stuck. I was reading online recently that the feeling which we all have felt throughout this time is languish-and wow. Is that not just the perfect verb for all of this.
Some days feel strange because they feel like a repeated version of the same day, and I have an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Other times, there is a comical sense of cabin fever where things are extra funny and silly, and the sensation of my mind turning to mush ends up providing some real laughs to Alex and I. Or, on a day like today specifically- it feels like a black hole swallowed 24 hours right up in front of me. I feel unmotivated, and so aware of the underlining anxiousness keeping my brain at an outrageously high frequency.
I was about to start working for MAC Cosmetics before the second wave. I was going to get married in August. The personal loss has been endless. The loss of days, the loss of years. It continues on.
All of my closest friends (myself included) turn 30 this year. When you’re in your mid 20s, and you start to fantasize about the way your life is going to look by the time you roll up to your 30th birthday-there are always a few imagined scenarios. You give yourself a few options, and trust that where ever you end up will be acceptable, because you’ll be 30! I remember waiting so patiently for this day to come.
Until there is a global pandemic. Until two years of your life has essentially been put on pause. What a reminder this time has been that we truly never know what is around the corner. Nothing is ever guaranteed or promised to us. Everyday is a gift, and the beauty in life is actually found in the seconds and moments that exist only here in the present.
I still feel a deep level of connectedness to myself and my inner dialogue. I hear her so clearly now and I’m noticing the ways in which this effects my confidence positively. I’ve said it a million times over, but there is so much freedom in authenticity. Even in owning the pain, the languish, and in the ugly nasty parts that aren’t as easy to reveal to one and other.
So, without really having anything concrete to share, if you stumble upon this I hope you’ve found it assuring to know that this stillness and pain is universal. Outside of my disability and personal adversities, there is a bigger issue at hand that connects us through experience. We may all be personally effected differently , but its universal in theme.
In the words of Dory, “Just keep swimming.”