This is long. Forewarning.
I guess before I launch right into this, it’s important for me to clarify that I know that the art of Tarot and Tarot reading means a lot of different things to many people. My relationship with Tarot started when a deck was passed onto to me by a very important woman in my life. A role in which she played many different positions. She ended up becoming what I like to call a spiritual advisor. A Reiki practitioner, a spirit guide, healer, matriarch powerhouse, and over all genuinely kind soul. She introduced me to the importance of recognizing your relationship with your chakras, and I began to throughly enjoy Reiki and relied on it as a way to stay in communication with my body and receive it’s messages in a deeper way.
Over the years she guided me to begin my own relationship with Tarot, and supplied me with research, readings, and my very own beginner deck. I was hooked immediately. The artistic beauty with every deck and the way the messages can be found in the imagery. The way you are given profound messages when you’re ready to receive them. Some of my most monumental and difficult personal learnings have come from card pulls. Sometimes it is simply just information repeated back to you in a clear and direct way, sometimes it adds more complexity to a decision that felt clear, or it can spark dialogue about feelings that haven’t surfaced entirely yet. The list is truly endless, but these are just some of the ways Tarot has guided me.
It had been a very long time since I had given myself a reading. I’m not entirely sure why I was avoidant of my deck, but it had been over a year since I meditated on the idea and allowed myself to create a safe space to do so. That being said since we settled into the new place, and I have been faced with these particularly dark times- I could hear them calling me.
I know this may be a strange phenomenon, but anyone who has had nurtured a positive relationship with Tarot knows exactly what I’m describing. It catches you off guard sometimes, but all of a sudden you hear them call you-and that is how you know its time for a reading. The more avoidant you are of that message, the louder it gets.
So-if you’ve been following my most recent posts, its no secret that I’m having a difficult time. I’m comfortable with addressing my depression and I have a strong support system set in place. For the most part the severity fluctuates, but I feel in control of things and I know that I am safe. However, I’m in that phase of depression where one single bad isolated event spills over into every avenue of life-making everything else feel so bleached by the depression I’m carrying. It’s hard to focus on anything at all, I feel unmotivated, and I’m having trouble being able to exercise happiness at all. If its not numbness I’m feeling, then I’m comparing myself to everyone and everything, and acknowledging only what I see as genuine failure and unworthiness.
So it’s Thursday. Not much out of the ordinary, but I can’t sleep and I’m up all night thinking about how unhappy I am with my life. How out of control I feel in my circumstance and the next thing I know-it’s 7am and I haven’t slept. Friday is spent in a pretty dark frame of mind. I can’t stop obsessively thinking about how differently I wished things looked for me. I truly feel like I’ve got a lot to offer the world, and in this stage of life I feel so confined. No opportunity to connect, grow, or create and fulfill dreams that I envision for myself. I’m about to be 30 and I feel like there are so few things I have achieved. I look around and see very little to be proud of. It’s dark. I know.
I’m sitting on my bed with Fynn, my cat. I’m trying to play a video game but my internal dialogue is so loud I can’t concentrate at all. In that moment the message was loud and clear. “Do the reading.” Get the cards down, close the door, and speak to your spirit guides.
It was almost immediately, but as soon as I held the deck in my hands, I closed my eyes and asked for help. Clarity, validation, guidance, I’m not really sure who I was speaking too, but what I received was a very loud and clear message of things I was in desperate need of hearing.
I did the 7 card spread. It’s commonly used to help one understand a current conflict or situation by explaining your past influences on the situation, and what is to come. I wouldn’t normally share so much detail about a personal reading but this one is too specifically perfect, too strong of a message, not to include in this safe space of healing and sharing I’ve created for myself.
- Primary Issue: The Fool Reversed (Major Arcana)
-fear of the unknown
-hesitant due to feelings of unpreparedness
-exploring the “fool spirit” in more personal and quiet toned down ways
-how can you enjoy more play time in your life?
-an over all general feeling that the timing isn’t right
-lack of connection, feelings of distance, “keeping things light”
- Distant Past Influences: Ace of Pentacles (Minor Arcana)
-the sense of desire to plan for the future-make time to recognize where you have come from, the hard work that got you to where you are
-dark times cloud current achievements
- Recent Past Influences: Queen of Swords (Minor Arcana)
-gained sense of maturity
-gained sense of perceptiveness
-the ability to look at things from an unbiased judgment based in intellectual reflections (as opposed to emotional)
-a desire to seek the truth
- The Present: The Sun (Major Arcana)
(This is where I immediately felt the weight of this reading sink in)
-feelings of being extremely vulnerable, which leads to feelings of purity [pain associated with growth/”sucking the poison out”]
-appreciation of emotional achievements
-validation that others look to you for guidance and inspiration
-a stronger sense of a developed inner voice
-a rediscovered sense of meaning
-the highest version of yourself
-make space to relish in your accomplishments
- Immediate Future: Ace of Swords (Minor Arcana)
-the card of new beginnings
-prepare to put a plan into action
-see this as a sign to start planning
-a card for encouragement
-a sense of energy building, but not yet time for action
- Factors that will affect the outcome: Two of Pentacles (Minor Arcana)
-be wary of over commitment
-this card speaks the importance of time management and organizational development
-reassess where your personal investments lay
-importance of reassessing your priorities after leaving a dark time, rebirth
-“one thing at a time”
- The Outcome/ Solution: The Sun (Major Arcana)
-“A one way ticket to a safe space”
-the dawning of a new day
-card radiates with positivity and optimism
-connectedness to true self and inner spirit
-the ending of a dark time is near
-it is time to see the future on the horizon
After I did this reading, I had the most cleansing cry. It was a very visceral physical response. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of connectedness to my current experience, it felt like the universe was sending me validation. Sort of like the pain, the stillness, everything I’ve been so challenged by is being heard and seen; and yet also I was reminded that this is only temporary.
That The Sun card appeared and reminded me that its always darkest before the dawn, and through this all, I will resurface as a deeper more connected version of myself. It was also a very clear reminder that, I have over come so much in my 29 years and whether or not I can see those achievements clearly in this current time, they are there. Just hiding under the dust of depression.
I have found so much genuine personal growth in speaking about OI on this platform, and through this tool (and with professional support as well) I have never felt more in touch with these parts of me, however dark. It’s like I’m seeing who I truly am, in the most authentic way and learning all about her. However painful or uncomfortable it is at times, I’m glad I’ve put in this work. I trust that things will get better, and I’m so looking forward to seeing this version of myself in happier times too.