Feeling Frozen

Have you ever looked around at the people who surround you and see an abundance of reasons to celebrate? So much positive momentum and good people deserving of good things, getting exactly just that? Sometimes I wish for something deeper then words to communicate celebration and support for all the amazing folks in my life doing great things.

Even during a global pandemic I’ve seen so much life happen to so many people I love. The birth of my godson, my sisters marriage to her best friend, friends starting businesses and pursuing dreams and passions. New pets, new houses, new cities, newness everywhere. It’s beautiful.

I know we all climb different mountains and follow different paths, but the demon of comparison is gnawing away at me. I feel myself so frozen in time. I feel as though I have no positive momentum or universal karma propelling me into happiness. I feel as though all the successes I’ve had in my life have taken me through treacherous battles, and for every small win there was- the battle scars that remain lay deeper then anyone knows.

I’m not really sure how else to explain it, but I feel like I’m in this box of people who begin to accept mediocrity as something to celebrate. Sort of like knowing that nothing ever great or exceptional happens to people like me, so when there is good or okay things going on, it feels notable to celebrate. Could I have done more or pushed myself further to have prevented myself from being so squished inside this box? What could I have done differently?

I’m having a lot of trouble accepting my life as it is these days. I feel confident in myself as a person, and I know I have value in what I offer to the world-but how would that look, if I was me, without the turmoil. Without the mental health challenges, without the genetic disease. Would I still be the same me? Why do these things make me feel any less capable or deserving of success? Why have I become so accepting of expecting so little from my life?

It could my 30s approaching, and the stillness of lockdown. But I feel this overwhelming sense of time standing still, frozen in dread. Just like all the complications with my jaw and these dental implants. No concrete plan of action, still so much uncertainty and bad news around every corner.

Today (exactly 2 months to the date) we finally had our consult follow up with the surgeon after all my scans. He’s ruled out surgery for time being. Definite relief, but hearing him explain how little bone mass there is to work with, and how my implants are “only just hanging on” I was reminded yet again, how nothing feels easy for me.

I wasn’t hoping for surgery, but I was hopeful for a sense of confidence in a direct plan of action, and I got nothing of the sort. More questions, more things to discuss, more appointments to make. This is exhausting. Still no teeth.

Today we discussed alternatives types of prosthetics that may be easier to manage and monitor-and I found myself devastated coming to terms with the fact that I may have removable teeth before I turn 30.

You don’t picture your life this way when you’re 15 day dreaming with your girlfriends. You don’t imagine that your genetic disease will manifest in a strange and uncommon way that makes it hard to eat, speak, or remain confident in the world. Not only that, but going through all those big surgeries when I was 18 believing it would all be worth it for decades to come…innocence truly is blissful.

In the end, I’ll sit here and continue to look to the universe for an answer to the “Why Me?” million dollar question and likely never get one.

So here’s to accepting stillness. To comparison being the thief of joy, and to celebrating the little things-because sometimes that’s all we have.

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