I’ve long loved Joni Mitchell. She came to me at a very young age when I watched Practical Magic for the first time at a family friend’s cottage. I remember so vividly seeing Nicole Kidman sing A Case of You and feeling immediately entranced. Over the years I have found comfort in Joni, and I turn to her lyrics to find the words to describe some of life’s indescribable moments. I have processed some of my deepest feelings with her music in my ears.
Tonight, The Circle Game came on, a song I’ve listened to many times before-yet this time a lyric from the song called out to me.
We can’t return, we can only look
Behind, from where we came
And go round and round and round, in the circle game
We can only look behind from where we came.
I’ve long believed that we are products of our experiences and environments. As I’ve processed this difficult time I realize how often I’ve searched within myself from the places I’ve come from-for comfort. It’s a type of self soothing nothing much else compares to.
I’ve been feeling immense isolation this week. So many friends and family members have checked in, and sent beautiful words of affirmation. I feel so lucky to have this village of support surround me. Yet somehow there is this void within me that feels a very intense sense of loneliness. I’m not sure if it comes from the inability to directly connect with someone who’s currently in a situation similar to mine, heightened isolation due to COVID-19, or because there is a huge lack of social stimulation in my everyday routine.
I’m just lonely. A type of lonely were given the opportunity to socialize, I’d still choose not to. But I miss my sister and the way she makes me feel deeply and spiritually connected to someone. I miss the way she makes me laugh and the way we can speak to each other without actually needing words. I miss my brother and the way he annoys Libby the family dog. I miss the way he is so effortlessly inspired by all the world that surrounds him. I miss my parents, because no matter how dark things feel-they always provide the guiding light home.