So let me preface this blog post with the following heads up; I’m grumpy.
Nothing is going according to plan. My infection wasn’t getting any better so I booked a follow up. It’s bad. The implant could be rejecting, there is talk of surgery. I’m going for a CT scan to either rule out or confirm bone grafting surgery is necessary. No end in sight. The infection is oozing a disgusting liquid you really don’t want hanging out in your mouth, and I truly have no idea when I’m going to get my teeth back.
I went to work today. I have no freaking idea how I worked up the courage to do that, the masks maybe? The fear of being viewed as an over sensitive recluse? I felt like I was trying so hard to over annunciate, which actually made me stumble over my words so much more. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my discomfort and self consciousness is blown up by the perception of this whole thing in my mind-but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real or doesn’t hurt. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking around with this huge third eye that everyone is confused about. I just want to be normal. I feel so not-normal.
I’ve worked so hard to live authentically and transparently. To be unafraid to speak my truth. Which is why this next bit is about poisonous positivity.
I know there has to be personal acknowledgment as to when you are influencing a downward spiral. Are you self inflicting darkness and making things worse? How aware of your negative thoughts are you? Are you able to control the thinking enough to proactively shift your perspective? It’s usually way harder to put these things into practise, but here is what grinds my gears;
When I’ve spoken up about my frustrations and fear about my current situation I’m often met with poisonous positivity and it is so belittling. For the most part, I know that the people closest to me don’t want to see me upset and in a dark place. I think they respond with positivity as a form of intervention. “Oop, let’s just say all the positive things we can think of before this gets too dark”
I will be the first person to recognize the importance of gratitude. My entire life’s framework is based upon being able to express gratitude in all capacities. However that doesn’t mean that my pain isn’t real, or that when I choose to express my darkness, I have lost sight of that. In fact, I argue that being able to sit in my darkness authentically makes my relationship with myself stronger. I’m not afraid of my sadness. I know how to nurture myself, how to ask for support and how to grow from what I experience. I wear these life skills like badges of honour.
I want to be able to share (especially through the most difficult times) what’s really happening for me. This time around, I’ve been so hesitant to express because I’ve been so aware of this poisonous positivity I keep talking about. “At least people are wearing masks” , “it’s good we caught this now” , “it’s good to be proactive” , “you don’t sound that bad” and so on, and so forth.
All of those things are true. I know that. All of those pieces of information help ground me in the toughest moments. That being said, sometimes, especially when life feels like a really bad dream, you just long for the words of validation. The words that feel like a big hug bringing you back to safety. The feeling of validation that reminds you you’re brave in the face of discomfort, and what you’re going through is garbage. Sometimes it is actually that simple.
It’s not really anyone’s fault, and I know it’s harder to say the right thing to someone when their PTSD is showing. We’re not perfect, and I do my best to assume the best in others. It all just feels like a lot to carry at times, and sometimes amongst all the other baggage, you lose the ability to pretend you’re doing just fine. Especially if you’re doing it to make other people feel more comfortable.