It’s laughable, truly.
I mean in light of the very serious global pandemic, no one expected the holiday season to look or feel like it usually does. I just couldn’t help but dance in a small pity party that was my Christmas this year. It was spent toothless and uncomfortable. Constantly feeling guilty for watching my family eat soft and mushy food right along next to me instead of our more traditional choices for the holidays. We try to joke about it together, and that always helps. We’ve all been through a lot together and I try to honour that they all have their own individual experiences as apart of my family experiencing this whole thing along next to me. We’ve all been through some scary stuff.
Nonetheless here we are. Day 12 without teeth, and I wanted to specifically mention my phenomenal fiancé. I’m pretty much a pro at the downward OI spiral and this bad news hit hard. It’s definitely been more of a trigger then it has been physically painful, and Alexander has been so gracefully supportive. When it comes to the authentic care taking, and limitlessly loving me when I feel my ugliest, and also with the tough love. The type it takes to get me to eat my most loathed food in the whole universe; oatmeal. This all feels way less earth shattering because I’ve got you on my team.
We’re moving on the 3rd. We’ve worked hard for this win. Getting out of the city, back to an area that means so much to me. Small town vibe, surrounded by nature all while still within visiting distance to those closest to us. It’s been so nice to have a project during this time. Something to stay motivated by. A new chapter awaits, and that feels like a promise to get back to normalcy, a ticket back to a place of stability. Something to look forward to.
Christmas magic filled me with light for a few days and I know I’d be far lost without those who have shown me endless support. I’m lucky to have had my closest support pillars rooted within my circle for quite some time. OI is no new rodeo for them. It always helps to have one less new person to explain “all of this” too. You know, that’s what’s really come to light this time around. The pure exhaustion and embarrassment in the explanation of having an invisible ailment. Is it my social anxiety that makes me hyper focus in on people’s reaction to this strange news? It’s my fear of failure and being left out that makes me wish so wholeheartedly that I didn’t have to take this time off work. Lastly, and most frustratingly, why do I always think people won’t believe me? It’s such a strange reaction but I always feel so sure people criticize and believe I’m being dishonest. That fear alone is so heavy to carry on this journey. Of all the things, I wish I could set that down the most.